Tonight, was the most momentous night; I wont forget it. First, I must explain my proposition: John and I had agreed not to 'misuse' the "L" word, for both of us have done so in the past, and regret it. [Given the fact that we both have had unpleasant experiences following the misuse] So, we made up other words to show our affection toward each other. Tonight, that barrier was broken. I've felt something for him for some time now; only tonight was the night we let it all out. We were once again wrapped up in the same blanket on his basement floor... just laying there. I felt so satisfied; just being with him. He was shaking, Im guessing because he was afraid of what I might say; and 'blurted' it out... so I might say; although it fit perfectly. I dont know if he acknowledges the extent of my love for him; as though I did not tell him everything I wanted to say. To put it simply, other couples usually go about and sneaking around having pre-marital sex, and other such things; to simulate the love so many of us want. With John, Im satisfied laying next to him, knowing that what's mine is his and what's his is mine. I dont need a simulation, I have reality. God sent John to me. I wasnt sure there was a God until this night. I am now. How could a feeling like this come from anything greater? In conclusion once again, my satisfaction with myself is at an ultimate high at this moment... I know what love feels like; and I'm not going to let that feeling go away. Its worth sacrificing for.

Last night was homecoming, I spent it with John. We watched two local bands; then went back to his house. So many things happened last night, that meant so much to me. I feel so close to him now. One point in time, we were just laying on the floor... wrapped up in a blanket. I felt so incredibly safe, and I honestly wanted to stay there forever. I wanted to lay there, look into his eyes... and know that I have someone I can count on for anything, someone who REALLY cares... someone I need to survive in this time of madness in my life. That feeling, was undescribable... and I want to remember it forever. Never will I feel that with someone else, and I know that is true. Its almost scary, depending so much on someone else... with one small step, everything can come crashing down in a matter of minutes. I dont know what I'd do without him... destiny can only tell.

Friday Five:

1. Where were you born? Louisville, KY (Audubon)

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not? I dont live in the city, but I live about 20 minutes away from Louisville in a small suburban/farming town. I dont want to move anywhere, It'd take too much adapting. I'm too used to my small town, and knowing everyone I see. It'd be too much of a change!

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? in the arms of someone I trust? location wise, my house... under my covers! ;)

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? Not really, I feel like im not as exposed to the outer world as other people.

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? Toronto, Canada... its almost the same as anywhere else I've been, but they speak French and English... and its much colder there.

---> Sorry I haven't blogged in a while you guys! I've forgotten all about it!

Anyways, I went over Fonzy's house today, it was a lot of fun... really, we just played hackey sack most of the time. I think he's a little mad though (and wont admit it) because I kind of hurt him. I really didnt mean to though, I didn't really think I could hurt him even if I tried. I've always been intimidated by people who are bigger than me, and I always end up trying to hit or hurt them. I wish I could just get rid of that trait. I dont want to hurt people, I want to trust anyone... no matter how big they are. And HIM, of all people?! I never want to hurt him! And more than once! I'm stupid, and I need to grow up about the way I act. I push away everyone, and Ive resorted to having no one. I dont want it to be this way anymore. I'm going to change.

Since my last post, Fonzy has said that he has feelings for me and such... and we just said that we have no control over it, and whatever happens... happens. I like that.

Yay!! Guess what?!?!?! Fonzy might come over my house tomorrow around 12 'o clock. Im so happy now. I have NO idea what we are going to do, its so boring at my house!! Then later we're going to go to the fair. OMG, Im too excited... I can't write right now. I'll tell you guys about it tomorrow after it happens!

I went swimming for well around four hours today, I'm pretty sunburned... but it doesnt really burn or hurt. I just feel dry. The entire time I was on the phone I talked to Fonzy. It was great... lol. Last night I was talking to him online, and the conversation went a little something like this:

Fonzy: when i started talkin to u......u also brought back a glimmer of hope for my life and i felt like life could be good again....and im not just sayin that cause i think its what u wanna hear
Me: heh, I wasnt going to say that
Me: that makes me feel all warm inside
Fonzy: really now
Fonzy: lol
Fonzy: well i enjoy talkin to you
Fonzy: u are unlike anyone ive ever met before

Isn't he sweet?! Oh muh goodness... He is so special, I swear it. He makes me feel good about myself, and I feel like I have a reason to get out of bed.

I think we may go to the fair together Friday, but Im not sure... I hope so, he's always fun to hang out with and to talk to. *sigh

Today was pretty boring, I got very little sleep last night because of my *STUPID* insomnia... I wish I could just fall asleep like normal people, not around 6:30 AM kinda sucks. Anyways, I got up around 10:00 and cleaned for 5 hours, then guess what I did?! Yes, I slept... lol

I took a personality disorder test thing, lookie:

Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Take it at 4degreez

... I have problems, lol. To see the definitions of my disorders click here

--------- >> Who cares? << ----------

Anyways, I talked to Fonzy before he left for the River today (he was going sking and wakeboarding with some of his soccer friends) I remember the conversation failry well, it went something like:
Fonzy: I can't spell [laugh]
Me: Its okay, I love you anyways [flirtatious gigggle]
Fonzy: thank you
Fonzy: I love you too
----------
Now, I dont know if he was just being nice and returning the favor, because this was over AIM... but I just melt at the thought. I really hope that he does like me... I've never fallen for someone so quick, and those who know me, know that I dont allow myself to go for guys like this. But in this situation, I simply can't help it. He's a very special person, and I dont want to take that for granted and just pass him by.

And here I am now, at 10:52 PM... waiting for him to get online. Hoping really... Ah, wonderful wistfulness

A few days ago, this guy... who we will call Fonzy for now, started talking to me. He merely asked my neighbor for my screen name and began talking to me one night, about a week ago. Amazingly, over that time,,, I've found someone so compatible to myself, in means of differences and similarities that it's uncanny that I ever thought I'd never find a person for me. We have talked so much, and quality I ever dreamed of in a guy I have found in him. It is wonderful. I'm not quite sure, but I do think that he feels somewhat the same about me. We both feel alike in how we have always felt different from our peers; something in which even my closest girlfriends could not understand. Although he can, he understands my depression, my philosophies, stereotypes, hatred, everything deep beneath my joyful covering... as if he has ripped me at the seams and seen every depth of my soul. I'm on the verge of trusting him, something I have not done in so many years... I need him, and I'm trying not to fall head over heels for him, but its virtually impossible to do so. He is my dream of a guy, even with his faults... he is wonderful.

As if that does not say enough about my spiraling optomistic side of me, I know there is always the chance I will betrayed... I hate those who have came before him, they have made his chances very scarce. Although, I don't think Fonzy would ever trick me like my past exes, and peers. He doesnt have that nature in him, I only hope I can steer him away from the 'inner-circle' girls. I can only do so much.

Besides that, he invited me to see Men In Black II with him this past Tuesday. I was so excited, rushing around like I was 12 again. I feel so alive, like I used to be. I love it. I think we were both nervous, it being that he could not stay still through the entire movie and I fell like a moron inside of Kroger. I thank God for making me fall though... he never made fun of me or be -little me once. Maybe God wants me to be happy after all, I thank whoever he is. I dont know if I'd be here right now if you hadn't brought him to me. Thank you for sending my angel.

In conclusion, I know that I should someday be a sappy romance-novelist... but then again, it IS 1:47 AM... and he is not yet online. Ah, but it doesn't matter... Just thinking about him satisfies me. I'd be a terrible author, dont you think?